Process of Discipleship
As a Christian it is easy to work toward the goal of “saved with complete heaven assurance,” we surround ourselves with other Christians and don’t worry about the lost or working in outreach programs. This is a dangerous ground because “this is a stage, not the goal.” We began to ignore of forget “the struggles and growing pains of the tiny green blades down at one’s feet, and expect and exhort them to shape up and mature without delay.”
**I’m sadly aware that this has happened in my own life. It has taken me so long to learn to die to myself and in fact I still am struggling to let go. Yet it is easy for me to get frustrated with my siblings or other friends when their Christian walk is not producing much fruit. I’ve had years of on and off again Christianity and I know that I’m in no position to judge other people. Although I’ve has many struggles, I do believe that God is going to use me. I know that I’ve hated being judged by other Christians and so I’m praying that God will give me grace, mercy and a patient heart while I start to give my life to a life of service.
“One must reckon himself dead to the hard, cold, selfish “I” before the softening influence of the Holy Spirit can operate, qualifying the believer in the service of God. Many want to God’s work but are unable, because the ‘flesh’ in their lives.”
**As I read this chapter, I felt it speaking to me. I’ve wrestled with myself for way too long. I feel God is calling me to help him win others over, but he is just waiting for me to let go of my old life. My old life brought me many pains, regrets, and sorrows so I’m not sure while I still struggle to let go of it. It’s confusing to me why I still envy worldly people who seem to have a good time. I’ve tried that life for 28 years and never found happiness; I’m not sure why I still struggle with wanting that worldly life……. Am I going to be one the people that are unable to do God’s work because the ‘flesh’ in their lives or am I going to finally break down and die to myself? With each passing day I feel like I’m starting to let a little more go, but then of course I have major set backs. I’m praying the Holy Spirit will fill me with the desire to do what is right and holy.
“He drops the seed of dissatisfaction into our hearts: He begins to show us that there is far more to this Christian life than just being saved and active for Him. And it is necessary for Him to engineer our exchange from carnal kernel Christians to fruitful fellowship disciples.”
** I thank God for giving me this dissatisfaction and emptiness in my heart or I would never have the desire or will to grow closer to him. The closer I get to him, the more I feel I need him in every aspect of my life.**
But the seed in the good soil, these are the ones that have heard the word in an honest and good heart, and hold it fast and bear fruit with perseverance. Luke 8:15
Therefore be patient brethren, until the coming of the Lord. The farmer waits for the precious produce of the soil, being patient about it, until it gets the early and late rains. James 5:7
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
The Cross
The Cross
Understanding and appropriating the facts of the cross proves to be one of the most difficult and trying of all phases for the growing believer. Our Lord holds his most vital and best things in store for those who mean business, for those who hunger and thirst for His very best as it is in our Lord Jesus Christ. The believers understanding of the two aspects of calvary give the key to both spiritual growth and life giving service.
“God blesses those who are hungry and thirsty for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.” (Matt 5:6)
“And you are complete in your union with Christ.” (Col 2:11a)
****What we are to experience he purchased for us, and what he purchased for us we ought to experience****
Most Christians today get stuck in the first aspect of Calvary which is Christ dying for our sins. I have to admit that I’ve been stuck there for a long time too. We get stuck repeatedly sinning and asking for forgiveness. Most never even move on to identifying with Christ death and putting ourselves on the cross. This seems so sad to me because we will never find freedom if we do not move onto this step. In all the years that I’ve been a Christian, I’ve never counted myself dead to sin. In the past couple of years, I’ve tried on my own to be better for God, but have failed miserably. Through this study I’m learning where my faults have come from and am praying that with the Holy Spirit’s help I will finally move onto spiritual freedom. I know that I have to be an active participant and count my old self dead to sin daily in order for this to take place.
2nd aspect of Calvary: The beginning of the life of holiness is a faith in the crucified Savior which sees more than his substitutionary work. It is a faith which sees myself identified with Christ in His death and resurrection.
“Our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives.” (Romans 6:6)
“For you died when Christ died, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Col 3:3)
“And he was saying to them all, if anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)
Understanding and appropriating the facts of the cross proves to be one of the most difficult and trying of all phases for the growing believer. Our Lord holds his most vital and best things in store for those who mean business, for those who hunger and thirst for His very best as it is in our Lord Jesus Christ. The believers understanding of the two aspects of calvary give the key to both spiritual growth and life giving service.
“God blesses those who are hungry and thirsty for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.” (Matt 5:6)
“And you are complete in your union with Christ.” (Col 2:11a)
****What we are to experience he purchased for us, and what he purchased for us we ought to experience****
Most Christians today get stuck in the first aspect of Calvary which is Christ dying for our sins. I have to admit that I’ve been stuck there for a long time too. We get stuck repeatedly sinning and asking for forgiveness. Most never even move on to identifying with Christ death and putting ourselves on the cross. This seems so sad to me because we will never find freedom if we do not move onto this step. In all the years that I’ve been a Christian, I’ve never counted myself dead to sin. In the past couple of years, I’ve tried on my own to be better for God, but have failed miserably. Through this study I’m learning where my faults have come from and am praying that with the Holy Spirit’s help I will finally move onto spiritual freedom. I know that I have to be an active participant and count my old self dead to sin daily in order for this to take place.
2nd aspect of Calvary: The beginning of the life of holiness is a faith in the crucified Savior which sees more than his substitutionary work. It is a faith which sees myself identified with Christ in His death and resurrection.
“Our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives.” (Romans 6:6)
“For you died when Christ died, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.” (Col 3:3)
“And he was saying to them all, if anyone wishes to come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.” (Luke 9:23)
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Consecration
Consecration: To set apart as holy. To devote, to dedicate.
We as Christians are called to dedicate our new lives to Christ. We can only do this by giving ourselves completely to him. God does not and can not accept part time Christians. We can not devote ourselves to Christ if sin still rules our lives and we have not crucified our old self with Christ.
Never has a believer brought to healthy spiritual maturity by means of pressure, and constant exhortation, nor before he was prepared by the spirit. (We can not make someone devote their life to Christ. We can be encouragers but no one can be ready until God has made them ready and he is ready for them.)
Healthy Progress is based on the apprehension, understanding, and appropriation of the truths in Christ that make for real spiritual growth. (The trials we go through are a natural process in making us more mature for Christ. We can not despise ourselves or get down on ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made. These have been allowed by God to show our great need for him and his great love for us.)
The experiential aspects of all truth, and especially these so called deeper truths, is closed to all but the needy heart. (We can not give ourselves completely to God until we realize we can do nothing right on our own. When we fall into deep despair because of heartaches that we’ve caused ourselves or others have caused us then God will be there waiting for us. He will give us his hands to pull us out of the life pits that we’ve created.)
UNTIL ONE IS AWARE OF HIS NEED TO PROGRESS SPIRITUALLY—HE WILL NEVER BE BROUGHT BEYOND THE BIRTH TRUTHS
“God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.” Phil. 2:13 (this power comes from the holy Spirit—nothing we do on our own can or will please him.)
“For me to live is Christ.” Phil 1:21 (As a believer the only true way to live is through Christ—otherwise we will be just trying to live for him through ourselves and we know we can’t do that – and also that God can’t accept that—Our old self MUST BE DEAD.)
“I know that I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right. I want to but I can’t.” Romans 7:18 (I know this is absolutely true. I’ve tried many, many times.)
“I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20.
“If we die with him, we will also live with him.” 2 Tim 2:11b ( The only true happiness and way of living here on earth is to give ourselves completely to God. We will not find happiness any where else no matter how hard we look for it.)
“He personally carried away our sins in his own body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. You have been healed by his wounds.” (1 Peter 2:24) (WE HAVE BEEN HEALED FROM THE PAINS WE HAVE CAUSED OURSELVES FROM LIVING A SINFUL LIFE FROM HIS DEATH ON THE CROSS)
Action: God wants nothing from my old self. I can not please him in anyway when I try on my own. He is calling me to set apart my life and my body as holy. If I hold back certain parts, he can not accept me or use me. God can’t use part time Christians. It is either all or nothing. What will I be today? Every day I’m going to have to make a choice. If I choose to let even a little bit of my old self live, then I can’t master sin through the Holy Spirit. Please help me Lord to give myself to you completely each and everyday. Thank you that you loved me so much that you’ve taken all the pain I’ve caused myself and put it on you instead of me. Thank you for not giving up on me even when I didn’t care about myself. Please put in situations that I can be used for you and you can express yourself through me.
We as Christians are called to dedicate our new lives to Christ. We can only do this by giving ourselves completely to him. God does not and can not accept part time Christians. We can not devote ourselves to Christ if sin still rules our lives and we have not crucified our old self with Christ.
Never has a believer brought to healthy spiritual maturity by means of pressure, and constant exhortation, nor before he was prepared by the spirit. (We can not make someone devote their life to Christ. We can be encouragers but no one can be ready until God has made them ready and he is ready for them.)
Healthy Progress is based on the apprehension, understanding, and appropriation of the truths in Christ that make for real spiritual growth. (The trials we go through are a natural process in making us more mature for Christ. We can not despise ourselves or get down on ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made. These have been allowed by God to show our great need for him and his great love for us.)
The experiential aspects of all truth, and especially these so called deeper truths, is closed to all but the needy heart. (We can not give ourselves completely to God until we realize we can do nothing right on our own. When we fall into deep despair because of heartaches that we’ve caused ourselves or others have caused us then God will be there waiting for us. He will give us his hands to pull us out of the life pits that we’ve created.)
UNTIL ONE IS AWARE OF HIS NEED TO PROGRESS SPIRITUALLY—HE WILL NEVER BE BROUGHT BEYOND THE BIRTH TRUTHS
“God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.” Phil. 2:13 (this power comes from the holy Spirit—nothing we do on our own can or will please him.)
“For me to live is Christ.” Phil 1:21 (As a believer the only true way to live is through Christ—otherwise we will be just trying to live for him through ourselves and we know we can’t do that – and also that God can’t accept that—Our old self MUST BE DEAD.)
“I know that I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right. I want to but I can’t.” Romans 7:18 (I know this is absolutely true. I’ve tried many, many times.)
“I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20.
“If we die with him, we will also live with him.” 2 Tim 2:11b ( The only true happiness and way of living here on earth is to give ourselves completely to God. We will not find happiness any where else no matter how hard we look for it.)
“He personally carried away our sins in his own body on the cross so that we can be dead to sin and live for what is right. You have been healed by his wounds.” (1 Peter 2:24) (WE HAVE BEEN HEALED FROM THE PAINS WE HAVE CAUSED OURSELVES FROM LIVING A SINFUL LIFE FROM HIS DEATH ON THE CROSS)
Action: God wants nothing from my old self. I can not please him in anyway when I try on my own. He is calling me to set apart my life and my body as holy. If I hold back certain parts, he can not accept me or use me. God can’t use part time Christians. It is either all or nothing. What will I be today? Every day I’m going to have to make a choice. If I choose to let even a little bit of my old self live, then I can’t master sin through the Holy Spirit. Please help me Lord to give myself to you completely each and everyday. Thank you that you loved me so much that you’ve taken all the pain I’ve caused myself and put it on you instead of me. Thank you for not giving up on me even when I didn’t care about myself. Please put in situations that I can be used for you and you can express yourself through me.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Identification
Identification:
“Our old selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.” Romans 6:6
The believer sees not only that Christ died for him (substitution) but the he died with Christ (identification).
Do I see that in my own life?
No, too many times I’ve fallen away and just known that God would forgive my sins. I wanted to do right, but I’ve been a slave to sin. I never really looked at myself dying on the cross right with Christ. I am realizing now that unless I do this daily, I will always be a slave to sin no matter how hard I try to do good on my own.
Our sins were dealt with by the blood; we ourselves are dealt with by the cross. The blood procures our pardon; the cross procures deliverance from what we are in Adam. The blood can wash away my sins, but it can not wash away my old man: I need the cross to crucify me—the sinner.
“But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.” (Romans 7:23)
------ This verse describes my Christian life so far: There is a war going on in my mind. I know that I’ve been a terrible person and done bad things to others and myself and until I can fully let this go then I’m going to be stuck here forever. Even though I’ve felt out of place my whole life I still struggle with trying to please others and myself instead of identifying and pleasing Christ. My action will be to take up my cross daily. I need to have a visual reminder that I have died to myself and Christ now lives in me. Maybe I’ll start wearing my cross again. This may help if I know now why I’m wearing it. I need to remember that my purpose here on earth is to let Christ express himself through me. I can't do this if I don't die to myself on a daily basis.
“Our old selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin.” Romans 6:6
The believer sees not only that Christ died for him (substitution) but the he died with Christ (identification).
Do I see that in my own life?
No, too many times I’ve fallen away and just known that God would forgive my sins. I wanted to do right, but I’ve been a slave to sin. I never really looked at myself dying on the cross right with Christ. I am realizing now that unless I do this daily, I will always be a slave to sin no matter how hard I try to do good on my own.
Our sins were dealt with by the blood; we ourselves are dealt with by the cross. The blood procures our pardon; the cross procures deliverance from what we are in Adam. The blood can wash away my sins, but it can not wash away my old man: I need the cross to crucify me—the sinner.
“But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me.” (Romans 7:23)
------ This verse describes my Christian life so far: There is a war going on in my mind. I know that I’ve been a terrible person and done bad things to others and myself and until I can fully let this go then I’m going to be stuck here forever. Even though I’ve felt out of place my whole life I still struggle with trying to please others and myself instead of identifying and pleasing Christ. My action will be to take up my cross daily. I need to have a visual reminder that I have died to myself and Christ now lives in me. Maybe I’ll start wearing my cross again. This may help if I know now why I’m wearing it. I need to remember that my purpose here on earth is to let Christ express himself through me. I can't do this if I don't die to myself on a daily basis.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
What's in a name?
What is the story behind how your name was chosen? I there anyone you were named after? What do you know about that person?
I'm not sure how my first name was chosen, but my middle name, Lee, was given to me because it is my dad's middle name. I always felt really special that I was named after my dad. He is an awesome christian and a loving father. He is a hardworker and would give anything he had to his wife or children if they needed it. He is one of the most kindhearted people I've ever met even though he is a bit rough around the edges. I know my dad did the very best he could in raising us and I'm proud to call him my father and my friend.
Perhaps you know the meaning of your name. Does the meaning match who you are? What meaning would you attribute to your name that would best match you?
My name Sarah means princess.....and for a long time I lived my life thinking that I was a little princess. I've always had a misconception that I would not work and that I would have a husband that made lots of money to take care of me and give me everything that I wanted. Wow, how my life turned out differently! I can't say that it's a bad thing either, because I'm sure I could have had all that if I wanted to be with someone I didn't truly love. I lived most of my life trying to be shallow and always wanting more than what I had, but I never was content with this lifestyle. I can honestly say that I'm content with what I have now, even though it is close to nothing. I'm working myself and plan on working as long as I need to. I'm realizing that I don't need a husband to make it in this world, although at some point it would be nice to have another chance at that. I guess I still consider myself a princess but a much humbler one.
What things in your life suggest that God has a specific idea about who He has created you to be?
God created me to love others. Although I make mistakes and can be selfish at times, I do try to go out of my way for others as well. He has made me an aunt nine times and he has allowed me live close to my nieces and nephews so that I can love them and grow close with them. He has given me friends that need me and that I need them to show me that I'm not alone in this world. He has taken people out of my life that hurt me and disappointed me but he has blessed me with a heart that is quick to forgive so that I don't hold many grudges.
What things in your life make you wonder if God has a specific idea about who He has created you to be?
I wonder sometimes about my low self esteem. I think I could do so much more if I only believed in myself or liked myself more, but then maybe God made me like this on purpose. Maybe if I loved myself too much, I wouldn't think that I needed him or maybe even wouldn't want him. As of now, I know I'm a terrible person on my own and I need God's grace to save me and his spirit to guide me through my days.
I'm not sure how my first name was chosen, but my middle name, Lee, was given to me because it is my dad's middle name. I always felt really special that I was named after my dad. He is an awesome christian and a loving father. He is a hardworker and would give anything he had to his wife or children if they needed it. He is one of the most kindhearted people I've ever met even though he is a bit rough around the edges. I know my dad did the very best he could in raising us and I'm proud to call him my father and my friend.
Perhaps you know the meaning of your name. Does the meaning match who you are? What meaning would you attribute to your name that would best match you?
My name Sarah means princess.....and for a long time I lived my life thinking that I was a little princess. I've always had a misconception that I would not work and that I would have a husband that made lots of money to take care of me and give me everything that I wanted. Wow, how my life turned out differently! I can't say that it's a bad thing either, because I'm sure I could have had all that if I wanted to be with someone I didn't truly love. I lived most of my life trying to be shallow and always wanting more than what I had, but I never was content with this lifestyle. I can honestly say that I'm content with what I have now, even though it is close to nothing. I'm working myself and plan on working as long as I need to. I'm realizing that I don't need a husband to make it in this world, although at some point it would be nice to have another chance at that. I guess I still consider myself a princess but a much humbler one.
What things in your life suggest that God has a specific idea about who He has created you to be?
God created me to love others. Although I make mistakes and can be selfish at times, I do try to go out of my way for others as well. He has made me an aunt nine times and he has allowed me live close to my nieces and nephews so that I can love them and grow close with them. He has given me friends that need me and that I need them to show me that I'm not alone in this world. He has taken people out of my life that hurt me and disappointed me but he has blessed me with a heart that is quick to forgive so that I don't hold many grudges.
What things in your life make you wonder if God has a specific idea about who He has created you to be?
I wonder sometimes about my low self esteem. I think I could do so much more if I only believed in myself or liked myself more, but then maybe God made me like this on purpose. Maybe if I loved myself too much, I wouldn't think that I needed him or maybe even wouldn't want him. As of now, I know I'm a terrible person on my own and I need God's grace to save me and his spirit to guide me through my days.
True Identity Revealed
Why was is so important for Joseph to reveal his identity?
Joseph had to reveal his identity because he couldn't keep it to himself any longer and he had to save his family from the famine.
What prompted him to keep his secret for so long? How difficult was it for him to keep the secret? How did Joseph feel when he revealed the truth?
Joseph had to keep his secret because he wanted to know if his brothers had truly changed and if they were sorry for what they had done. It was very difficult for him to his secret when his brothers were there, in fact, he had to leave the room because he broke down and couldn't talk to them. He wanted to touch them and tell them he forgave him but he held back until he could test their character. When he was final able to reveal the truth, he wept loudly and felt deep relief. He had waited so long to be reunited with them. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to see them and keep a secret after all the years of waiting and wondering if he would ever be with his family again.
What kind of burden do you carry when you try to be someone other than yourself?
It's hard when you know that you are acting out a part. When you feel like your life is a facade, you fear that no one will like you once they find out who you are or where you came from. Sadly I have to admit that the majority of my life has been lived this way. I've never really felt accepted so I've tried my best to put on a show and be the person that I thought other people would like. Most of the time I end up not liking myself or having friends that I have nothing in common with.
What situations, circumstances, or people tempt you to be someone other than your true self? How can you resist the temptation?
Any situation involving alcohol usually means I'm not going to acting life myself, so it is best to stay away from drinking or hanging around people who drink a lot.
Joseph had to reveal his identity because he couldn't keep it to himself any longer and he had to save his family from the famine.
What prompted him to keep his secret for so long? How difficult was it for him to keep the secret? How did Joseph feel when he revealed the truth?
Joseph had to keep his secret because he wanted to know if his brothers had truly changed and if they were sorry for what they had done. It was very difficult for him to his secret when his brothers were there, in fact, he had to leave the room because he broke down and couldn't talk to them. He wanted to touch them and tell them he forgave him but he held back until he could test their character. When he was final able to reveal the truth, he wept loudly and felt deep relief. He had waited so long to be reunited with them. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to see them and keep a secret after all the years of waiting and wondering if he would ever be with his family again.
What kind of burden do you carry when you try to be someone other than yourself?
It's hard when you know that you are acting out a part. When you feel like your life is a facade, you fear that no one will like you once they find out who you are or where you came from. Sadly I have to admit that the majority of my life has been lived this way. I've never really felt accepted so I've tried my best to put on a show and be the person that I thought other people would like. Most of the time I end up not liking myself or having friends that I have nothing in common with.
What situations, circumstances, or people tempt you to be someone other than your true self? How can you resist the temptation?
Any situation involving alcohol usually means I'm not going to acting life myself, so it is best to stay away from drinking or hanging around people who drink a lot.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Stripped of the Glitz and Glamour
Are you surprised by Modonna’s insecurities? Why or why not? In what ways do you relate to them?
I’m not surprised by reading this; in fact, I believe most people in Hollywood live their life in this way. Their success comes from how popular they are in the moment and with big success comes even bigger fears of falling. Modoanna has always been on the edge tying to be bigger and better than everyone. She searches in a dead religion for purpose and meaning so there is no surprise that she will always feel empty inside. It’s sad that a person who has had so much fame and wealth still feels like she needs to prove herself to the world. I can somewhat relate to this paragraph. I look at my accomplishments in life and they don’t seem so big now. I remember at the end of any big feat feeling empty and thinking there must be more to this. Moments of small fame only left me wondering what comes next.
How does Modonna’s vulnerability make you feel about her? Do you feel like you understand her any better? Does it affect the way you think about her?
I feel a little sorry for her in a way because she is probably the most famous female performer and yet she will never be famous enough to please herself. It also changes the way I think about her because it explains why she is always over the top and trying to do things that no one else has done before.
What fears and insecurities drive me to do the things I do?
The fear of my past keeps me from many things. I was a very insecure person who made lots of mistakes: way too many to even name. I looked for love in the wrong places and did many drugs and drank lots of alcohol. I’m always afraid of my past catching up with me. I’m afraid of what other people will think of me if they found out about it. It has kept me from searching for new jobs because I don’t want to reveal the past. It has made me live with deep regrets and embarrassment. There are many times that I wish I could do the last 10 years over. Also for some reason I’ve always had the fear of getting fat and ugly. It has driven me to be really hard on my body and me inside. I feel guilty if I eat badly or don’t work out. It’s caused a lot of self hate and disappointment. I’m not really sure why I’ve had it. I suppose thinking that no one will want me has something to do with it. There were times in my early teens that I had deep crushes, but did not get noticed and I think this has something do with it as well. I can’t even remember when it started, but definitely know that it’s been there for a long time. Also the fear of people thinking that I’m uninteresting or boring has lead me to not be my true self many times. I’ve done things or acted a certain way that is not really me just because I think that other people will like me better that way.
Could I share this with others?
Only with one person and he happens to be in my group. I will only share bits and pieces with others about my past. I just don’t know if others could understand. Many people are quick to judge and this leaves me more insecure than before. I’m hoping that one day I will be totally at ease with myself and my past won’t bother me so much.
What prevents you from sharing them and do you ever think this will change?
Embarrassment and regret prevents me from sharing them. I’ve always had a fear of what people think of me and I don’t think this will ever end. This fear I’m sure has had a lot to do with my problems. If I didn’t care so much about what other people thought, maybe I wouldn’t be so insecure. It’s hard for me to share with others because I don’t want their sympathy or for them to talk about me behind my back. Everyone always assumes I have it together because I’m a decent looking girl, but I’ve been a mess inside for so long. I’m just now starting over and trying hard to forget about the past.
I’m not surprised by reading this; in fact, I believe most people in Hollywood live their life in this way. Their success comes from how popular they are in the moment and with big success comes even bigger fears of falling. Modoanna has always been on the edge tying to be bigger and better than everyone. She searches in a dead religion for purpose and meaning so there is no surprise that she will always feel empty inside. It’s sad that a person who has had so much fame and wealth still feels like she needs to prove herself to the world. I can somewhat relate to this paragraph. I look at my accomplishments in life and they don’t seem so big now. I remember at the end of any big feat feeling empty and thinking there must be more to this. Moments of small fame only left me wondering what comes next.
How does Modonna’s vulnerability make you feel about her? Do you feel like you understand her any better? Does it affect the way you think about her?
I feel a little sorry for her in a way because she is probably the most famous female performer and yet she will never be famous enough to please herself. It also changes the way I think about her because it explains why she is always over the top and trying to do things that no one else has done before.
What fears and insecurities drive me to do the things I do?
The fear of my past keeps me from many things. I was a very insecure person who made lots of mistakes: way too many to even name. I looked for love in the wrong places and did many drugs and drank lots of alcohol. I’m always afraid of my past catching up with me. I’m afraid of what other people will think of me if they found out about it. It has kept me from searching for new jobs because I don’t want to reveal the past. It has made me live with deep regrets and embarrassment. There are many times that I wish I could do the last 10 years over. Also for some reason I’ve always had the fear of getting fat and ugly. It has driven me to be really hard on my body and me inside. I feel guilty if I eat badly or don’t work out. It’s caused a lot of self hate and disappointment. I’m not really sure why I’ve had it. I suppose thinking that no one will want me has something to do with it. There were times in my early teens that I had deep crushes, but did not get noticed and I think this has something do with it as well. I can’t even remember when it started, but definitely know that it’s been there for a long time. Also the fear of people thinking that I’m uninteresting or boring has lead me to not be my true self many times. I’ve done things or acted a certain way that is not really me just because I think that other people will like me better that way.
Could I share this with others?
Only with one person and he happens to be in my group. I will only share bits and pieces with others about my past. I just don’t know if others could understand. Many people are quick to judge and this leaves me more insecure than before. I’m hoping that one day I will be totally at ease with myself and my past won’t bother me so much.
What prevents you from sharing them and do you ever think this will change?
Embarrassment and regret prevents me from sharing them. I’ve always had a fear of what people think of me and I don’t think this will ever end. This fear I’m sure has had a lot to do with my problems. If I didn’t care so much about what other people thought, maybe I wouldn’t be so insecure. It’s hard for me to share with others because I don’t want their sympathy or for them to talk about me behind my back. Everyone always assumes I have it together because I’m a decent looking girl, but I’ve been a mess inside for so long. I’m just now starting over and trying hard to forget about the past.
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