Saturday, December 22, 2007


For in Christ the fullness of God lives in a human body, and you are complete through your union with Christ. He is the Lord over every ruler and authority in the universe. Col. 2:9-10

I’ve been searching for a long time to feel complete. There has always been an empty space in my soul that made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anything. I tried to fill this void by making friends or getting boyfriends. I would have done anything to get noticed, to get attention, or to feel loved. Even though I was taught at an early age that this void was put in my soul by God and that it could only be filled by him, I frantically searched to fill it with anything else I could find.
I wonder if those taught about Christ at an early age have a harder time fighting off Satan when going through their teenage years and early adulthood. I knew my parents told me that I could never find anything that would satisfy me without Christ, but I tried anyway. It’s almost as though I was determined to prove them wrong.
I think about the sad, lonely girl I use to be and it chokes me up. I remember wanting drugs, alcohol, guys, friends, money and possessions. After getting each one of these, I was never happy; I always wanted more or something else. I remember wanting to be super skinny so badly that I would have sacrificed anything, even my own happiness and health.
It is painful to think about how many regrets that I have when I knew the truth all along. After the parties when I was by myself, I remember crying and feeling more alone than ever. I remember with each guy I dated that I was always looking for someone a little bit different or a little bit better. With each pound I lost, I was already planning on how I could lose the next one. I actually felt bigger as I became smaller and smaller. With each drink I took, I always felt I needed just one more to make me happy. I filled my life with many activities so that I didn’t have to be by myself. That way I wouldn’t have to do any self examination, reflection, or have accountability to God. Basically I didn’t have to think about how bad I was messing up my life.
I’m so thankful that God never gave up on me. In fact, he was and continues to be the most persistent guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with. He was not going to take no for an answer, no matter how long I made him wait. He had his mind made up: He wanted me. I was good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, sincere enough for him. He knew I was marriage potential and he wanted me and loved me. He stood by me through my many mistakes and waited patiently even though I did many things that hurt him. Even though I picked other guys over him, he did not give up; he knew one day I would wake up and realize what a fool I’d been and that I needed him more than anything or anybody else in my life. At that point he stepped right in and picked up the pieces of my broken life and started the healing process of my hurting, wounded heart.
He loved me and forgave me unlike anyone had ever done before. My life changed because I finally realized I loved him too and I did want to disappoint him or hurt him anymore. He gave me a purpose for my life and for the first time I felt complete. Thank you, Lord, for never giving up on me, and for loving me even when I’m unlovable.