Tuesday, May 8, 2007

What's in a name?

What is the story behind how your name was chosen? I there anyone you were named after? What do you know about that person?
I'm not sure how my first name was chosen, but my middle name, Lee, was given to me because it is my dad's middle name. I always felt really special that I was named after my dad. He is an awesome christian and a loving father. He is a hardworker and would give anything he had to his wife or children if they needed it. He is one of the most kindhearted people I've ever met even though he is a bit rough around the edges. I know my dad did the very best he could in raising us and I'm proud to call him my father and my friend.

Perhaps you know the meaning of your name. Does the meaning match who you are? What meaning would you attribute to your name that would best match you?
My name Sarah means princess.....and for a long time I lived my life thinking that I was a little princess. I've always had a misconception that I would not work and that I would have a husband that made lots of money to take care of me and give me everything that I wanted. Wow, how my life turned out differently! I can't say that it's a bad thing either, because I'm sure I could have had all that if I wanted to be with someone I didn't truly love. I lived most of my life trying to be shallow and always wanting more than what I had, but I never was content with this lifestyle. I can honestly say that I'm content with what I have now, even though it is close to nothing. I'm working myself and plan on working as long as I need to. I'm realizing that I don't need a husband to make it in this world, although at some point it would be nice to have another chance at that. I guess I still consider myself a princess but a much humbler one.

What things in your life suggest that God has a specific idea about who He has created you to be?
God created me to love others. Although I make mistakes and can be selfish at times, I do try to go out of my way for others as well. He has made me an aunt nine times and he has allowed me live close to my nieces and nephews so that I can love them and grow close with them. He has given me friends that need me and that I need them to show me that I'm not alone in this world. He has taken people out of my life that hurt me and disappointed me but he has blessed me with a heart that is quick to forgive so that I don't hold many grudges.

What things in your life make you wonder if God has a specific idea about who He has created you to be?
I wonder sometimes about my low self esteem. I think I could do so much more if I only believed in myself or liked myself more, but then maybe God made me like this on purpose. Maybe if I loved myself too much, I wouldn't think that I needed him or maybe even wouldn't want him. As of now, I know I'm a terrible person on my own and I need God's grace to save me and his spirit to guide me through my days.

True Identity Revealed

Why was is so important for Joseph to reveal his identity?
Joseph had to reveal his identity because he couldn't keep it to himself any longer and he had to save his family from the famine.

What prompted him to keep his secret for so long? How difficult was it for him to keep the secret? How did Joseph feel when he revealed the truth?
Joseph had to keep his secret because he wanted to know if his brothers had truly changed and if they were sorry for what they had done. It was very difficult for him to his secret when his brothers were there, in fact, he had to leave the room because he broke down and couldn't talk to them. He wanted to touch them and tell them he forgave him but he held back until he could test their character. When he was final able to reveal the truth, he wept loudly and felt deep relief. He had waited so long to be reunited with them. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to see them and keep a secret after all the years of waiting and wondering if he would ever be with his family again.

What kind of burden do you carry when you try to be someone other than yourself?
It's hard when you know that you are acting out a part. When you feel like your life is a facade, you fear that no one will like you once they find out who you are or where you came from. Sadly I have to admit that the majority of my life has been lived this way. I've never really felt accepted so I've tried my best to put on a show and be the person that I thought other people would like. Most of the time I end up not liking myself or having friends that I have nothing in common with.

What situations, circumstances, or people tempt you to be someone other than your true self? How can you resist the temptation?
Any situation involving alcohol usually means I'm not going to acting life myself, so it is best to stay away from drinking or hanging around people who drink a lot.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Stripped of the Glitz and Glamour

Are you surprised by Modonna’s insecurities? Why or why not? In what ways do you relate to them?

I’m not surprised by reading this; in fact, I believe most people in Hollywood live their life in this way. Their success comes from how popular they are in the moment and with big success comes even bigger fears of falling. Modoanna has always been on the edge tying to be bigger and better than everyone. She searches in a dead religion for purpose and meaning so there is no surprise that she will always feel empty inside. It’s sad that a person who has had so much fame and wealth still feels like she needs to prove herself to the world. I can somewhat relate to this paragraph. I look at my accomplishments in life and they don’t seem so big now. I remember at the end of any big feat feeling empty and thinking there must be more to this. Moments of small fame only left me wondering what comes next.

How does Modonna’s vulnerability make you feel about her? Do you feel like you understand her any better? Does it affect the way you think about her?

I feel a little sorry for her in a way because she is probably the most famous female performer and yet she will never be famous enough to please herself. It also changes the way I think about her because it explains why she is always over the top and trying to do things that no one else has done before.

What fears and insecurities drive me to do the things I do?

The fear of my past keeps me from many things. I was a very insecure person who made lots of mistakes: way too many to even name. I looked for love in the wrong places and did many drugs and drank lots of alcohol. I’m always afraid of my past catching up with me. I’m afraid of what other people will think of me if they found out about it. It has kept me from searching for new jobs because I don’t want to reveal the past. It has made me live with deep regrets and embarrassment. There are many times that I wish I could do the last 10 years over. Also for some reason I’ve always had the fear of getting fat and ugly. It has driven me to be really hard on my body and me inside. I feel guilty if I eat badly or don’t work out. It’s caused a lot of self hate and disappointment. I’m not really sure why I’ve had it. I suppose thinking that no one will want me has something to do with it. There were times in my early teens that I had deep crushes, but did not get noticed and I think this has something do with it as well. I can’t even remember when it started, but definitely know that it’s been there for a long time. Also the fear of people thinking that I’m uninteresting or boring has lead me to not be my true self many times. I’ve done things or acted a certain way that is not really me just because I think that other people will like me better that way.

Could I share this with others?

Only with one person and he happens to be in my group. I will only share bits and pieces with others about my past. I just don’t know if others could understand. Many people are quick to judge and this leaves me more insecure than before. I’m hoping that one day I will be totally at ease with myself and my past won’t bother me so much.

What prevents you from sharing them and do you ever think this will change?

Embarrassment and regret prevents me from sharing them. I’ve always had a fear of what people think of me and I don’t think this will ever end. This fear I’m sure has had a lot to do with my problems. If I didn’t care so much about what other people thought, maybe I wouldn’t be so insecure. It’s hard for me to share with others because I don’t want their sympathy or for them to talk about me behind my back. Everyone always assumes I have it together because I’m a decent looking girl, but I’ve been a mess inside for so long. I’m just now starting over and trying hard to forget about the past.