Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Please God open my eyes even though I try to keep them shut

“I don’t really see what God is up to. It just seems that I’m experiencing trials. Yes, I often feel like that too. But if you’ll look a bit more carefully, you’ll see that the trials in your life have a pattern to them. And when you look at your smaller story, the way in which you try to arrange for life, you’ll make the connection. May I suggest a simple prayer?

Dear God, I know you are up to something in my life. But all it feels like right now is just hardship and difficulty. Open my eyes. Show me what you are after. Show me the way you are trying to redeem me. Amen” The Sacred Romance

Today I randomly read some verses in Psalms that dealt with the same issue that I was learning about in the chapter I read today. Mmmh I wonder if God is trying to tell me something??? Yeah, I think so……

“How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep me from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” Psalms 19:12-14

It’s kind of crazy how God speaks the same message to you thru all different sources. As I was sitting in church this past weekend, I couldn’t keep the tears from rolling down my face because I was convicted of bitterness I was holding onto in my heart. Even though I know that God has big plans for me, I still get caught up in creating the smaller stories that I can control in my life. I realized today that a good part of my pain, depression and hurt may possibly have been avoided if I had relied on God in the first place. I’m looking back over my life and I’m seeing a very clear pattern: I make my own choices and then when things don’t work out I run to God for him to fix everything for me.

Praying that God will reveal your weaknesses to you, can certainly break your spirit but I know that it will be helpful to me in the end. I have orchestrated my own life up until now and I see that it has not gotten me anywhere. So I still wonder why it is so hard to let go and let him take control of everything. I know that Satan tries to creep in at any chance he can get and so I’m praying for extra protection right now. (He delivered me from my powerful ememies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me. They attacked me at a moment when I was the weakest. But the Lord upheld me. He led me to a place of safety; He rescued me because he delights in me. Psalms 18:17-19)

A few things that God has revealed to me so far this week are:

1. I am too critical of those who are close to me. I expect perfection and am too critical when I don’t get it. It is not my job to change my friends. I can encourage but I don’t need to turn into a nag. It’s not my place to try to judge others and unfortunately that is what I feel like I’ve been doing which really sucks because I hate it when others do it to me. Also it's easy to see sins in other people's lives and miss those in your own. Please God continue to show me my own faults and continue to work on making my life all that you want it to be.

2. I put too much faith in men. My whole life I’ve been looking for the one that is going to save me when in reality I don’t need saving I’ve got God for that. I let relationships come between my relationship with God and I believe that is why none of them have worked out so far. Then when those relationships end, I have to start all over from the beginning with God. This is not a great way to live; I get no where.

3. I am easily manipulated. I know what is right and what I want to do, but I let others convince me fairly easy to do otherwise. I am praying that God will give me the courage to stand firm to what I believe in.

4. I get trapped in the past and what could have been or how I should have done things differently instead of learning from my mistakes and moving forward. I continue to remind myself that everything has happened for a reason, but sometimes I still struggle with believing it.

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