Are you surprised by Modonna’s insecurities? Why or why not? In what ways do you relate to them?
I’m not surprised by reading this; in fact, I believe most people in Hollywood live their life in this way. Their success comes from how popular they are in the moment and with big success comes even bigger fears of falling. Modoanna has always been on the edge tying to be bigger and better than everyone. She searches in a dead religion for purpose and meaning so there is no surprise that she will always feel empty inside. It’s sad that a person who has had so much fame and wealth still feels like she needs to prove herself to the world. I can somewhat relate to this paragraph. I look at my accomplishments in life and they don’t seem so big now. I remember at the end of any big feat feeling empty and thinking there must be more to this. Moments of small fame only left me wondering what comes next.
How does Modonna’s vulnerability make you feel about her? Do you feel like you understand her any better? Does it affect the way you think about her?
I feel a little sorry for her in a way because she is probably the most famous female performer and yet she will never be famous enough to please herself. It also changes the way I think about her because it explains why she is always over the top and trying to do things that no one else has done before.
What fears and insecurities drive me to do the things I do?
The fear of my past keeps me from many things. I was a very insecure person who made lots of mistakes: way too many to even name. I looked for love in the wrong places and did many drugs and drank lots of alcohol. I’m always afraid of my past catching up with me. I’m afraid of what other people will think of me if they found out about it. It has kept me from searching for new jobs because I don’t want to reveal the past. It has made me live with deep regrets and embarrassment. There are many times that I wish I could do the last 10 years over. Also for some reason I’ve always had the fear of getting fat and ugly. It has driven me to be really hard on my body and me inside. I feel guilty if I eat badly or don’t work out. It’s caused a lot of self hate and disappointment. I’m not really sure why I’ve had it. I suppose thinking that no one will want me has something to do with it. There were times in my early teens that I had deep crushes, but did not get noticed and I think this has something do with it as well. I can’t even remember when it started, but definitely know that it’s been there for a long time. Also the fear of people thinking that I’m uninteresting or boring has lead me to not be my true self many times. I’ve done things or acted a certain way that is not really me just because I think that other people will like me better that way.
Could I share this with others?
Only with one person and he happens to be in my group. I will only share bits and pieces with others about my past. I just don’t know if others could understand. Many people are quick to judge and this leaves me more insecure than before. I’m hoping that one day I will be totally at ease with myself and my past won’t bother me so much.
What prevents you from sharing them and do you ever think this will change?
Embarrassment and regret prevents me from sharing them. I’ve always had a fear of what people think of me and I don’t think this will ever end. This fear I’m sure has had a lot to do with my problems. If I didn’t care so much about what other people thought, maybe I wouldn’t be so insecure. It’s hard for me to share with others because I don’t want their sympathy or for them to talk about me behind my back. Everyone always assumes I have it together because I’m a decent looking girl, but I’ve been a mess inside for so long. I’m just now starting over and trying hard to forget about the past.