Thursday, January 17, 2008


"Trials, obstacles, difficulties, and sometimes defeats, are the very food of faith."

"Faith is dependence upon God. And this dependence only begins when self-dependence ends. And self- dependence only comes to its end, with some of us, when sorrow, suffering, affliction, broken plans and hopes bring us to that place of self-helplessness and defeat"

"I believe that the Lord allows many things to happen to us on purpose to make us feel the need of him."

"The more you find him in your sorrows or wants, the more you will be attached to him and draw away from this place where the sorrows are, to Him in the place where he is."

I readily agree that the Lord allows things to happen to us so that we know and feel the need for him. My Christian life has been a constant struggle with me fighting for my self-dependence. I go to to church and try to do my bible study daily but then I make all my own decisions. I say I believe in God and I want him to run my life, but then I don't tithe consistently, which shows him I don't trust him with my finances. I say that I want God to bless my relationships, but so far I've gotten into relationships that I knew were wrong from the start.

In the past couple months, my life that I planned out for myself completely fell apart once again and I was left wondering how I got to that "low" place again. However now looking back, I know that it was all of God because my relationship with him has grown tremendously. Even though there is absolutely nothing certain in my life right now, I have an incredible peace because for the first time ever I am solely trusting on him to guide me, give me answers, and show me my next move. I have always had major problems with making big decisions, I played toward people's emotions instead of listening to God's plan. Lately though I've been able to shut out those outside voices and go where I feel God is leading me.

Normally my mind is so unstable wondering back and forth about what I should do trying to carefully weigh out options of the outcomes of each decision. It drives me absolutely crazy! It is embarrassing to admit that for the first time I am finally relying on prayer and talking to God for the decisions in my life. I can hardly believe that through all the struggles and trials I have been through lately and all the hurt feelings that I have had that I am actually able to have joy...... but I honestly do and this is a peace I have never felt before. It is insane to think that after struggling for my self dependence for so long that peace of mind would come so easy when my self dependence is completely gone. I wish that I could have come to this understanding a long time ago and then maybe I would not have had to have everything taken away from me; it would have definitely saved me a lot of heartache. I am thankful though for broken relationships and fresh starts because God knew it was necessary for my own growth. He knew I would never be happy until I put my faith in him not myself or someone else. I wish I could make others see and understand how easy it is to rely on God, but I know everyone must get to this point by facing failure on their own.

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